SATIRE — On February 6th, NFL fans will tune in to Super Bowl XLV. Two elite franchises will face off against each other in what is sure to be a great game. I can go on and on about how intense a game we can expect from the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers, but I'd like to focus on something different. If there's one thing the Super Bowl brings out in all of us, it's the inner gambler. We become obsessed with the point spread, the over/under, weather conditions and so on. I'm here to give you wager-makers some things to bet on, but not necessarily related to the outcome of the game itself. Instead, I'm going to provide seven potentially insane occurrences that, while unconventional, MUST be considered before kickoff.
This year, our national anthem will be sung by Christina Aguilera. Now, for those who aren't familiar with Miss Aguilera's vocal style, let me give you the long and short of it now: EVERY NOTE IS DRAWN OUT. Don't get me wrong—Christina Aguilera is a fine singer, and I love our national anthem just as much as the next person, but it needs to be established that she can't do a 10-minute version of it. I mean, come on, there's a game that has to be played! Still, Aguilera is used to performing a certain way, and we can't expect her to suddenly change it for the sake of us wanting to watch Clay Mathews and James Harrison send some backs and receivers to the ER. Chances this happens: 40 percent
If there's one thing that this year's Super Bowl has, it's players who have a lot to show in the hair department. From Clay Matthews to Troy Polamalu, the flowing locks should be aplenty. On top of that, we have two of the toughest teams in the NFL playing each other. That being said, who's to say that someone won't drag Matthews or Polamalu down by the hair in order to make a block? Last I checked, there isn't any specific rule saying that hair-pulling isn't allowed! Hell, if Ray Nitschke supposedly bit people during games, what's wrong with a little pulling of the hair? Chances this happens: 30 percent, in the interest of the game.
Thanks to Roger Goodell's crackdown on hard hitting, aka taking the fun out of playing linebacker, Steelers coverage man James Harrison accumulated $90,000 in fines this season. Let's be honest, people: Super Bowl XLV is going to feature a lot of hard hitting, and of course Harrison is going to be doing a lot of it. Given how he's openly said he goes into every tackle wanting to hurt the opposing player, I anticipate some flags to be thrown his way. With the Steelers consistently blitzing Packers QB Aaron Rodgers, I wouldn't put it past Harrison to take his tackle to the next level and perhaps give the quarterback a helmet-to-helmet treat. Chances this happens: 75 percent
This year, Fox will be covering the Super Bowl. That means that we have Joe Buck and Troy Aikman calling the game for us. Needless to say, I groaned when I learned of this. Simply put, Joe Buck is an annoying broadcaster. His "excited" tone of voice still sounds extremely nonchalant, and while Troy Aikman provides interesting commentary, he's slowly becoming the next John Madden in that he always points out the most obvious things. I don't know about the rest of you fans out there, but I, for one, will be hitting the mute button when it isn't commercial time. Forget Joe Buck. Let Gus Johnson call a Super Bowl! Now THAT would be awesome. Just imagine: "That will bring up 3rd-and-long. Roethlisberger takes the snap, goes deep...AND IT'S CAUGHT BY WALLACE!! DOWN THE SIDELINE!!!! OH MY!!!!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" OK...I think I've made that point. Chances that I mute Joe Buck: 100 percent. Chances that everyone else does the same: Less than 10 percent
When I heard that the Black Eyed Peas were doing the halftime show this year, I died a little inside. We had a nice track record going with classic rock acts like Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and The Who. Why mess that up with a band that's sure to give us a fake and Auto-Tuned show? Don't get me wrong—the Black Eyed Peas are a talented group and have a large fanbase, but are they really the type that appeals to most NFL fans? Maybe some of the younger ones. I'm hoping that this halftime show is just a hiccup and that next season we'll have a real band performing again so that the rock and roll spirit of the NFL can be captured. Thus, this year's halftime show gets an F from me. It doesn't even matter if I haven't seen it yet. Chances the halftime show stinks: 95 percent...I mean, I have to at least give them the benefit of the doubt a LITTLE bit.
For those of you who read my prediction for the game, you know that both teams have a great number of key players who fly under the radar. That being said, I'm anticipating the winner of the Super Bowl MVP Award will not be an A-lister. On Pittsburgh's end, it might be receiver Emmanuel Sanders (pictured at left). On Green Bay's, it could be surprise running back James Starks. Either way, as both teams have dangerous secondaries, I don't anticipate the winner to be either of the quarterbacks or their top receiving targets. Heck, why don't we just go out on a limb and pick Shaun Suisham to be the MVP? Yeah! How crazy would that be? But seriously, let's get to the chances an unknown wins the coveted game MVP award. Chances: 75 percent
I've got to say, I'm really excited about the Super Bowl this year. Two elite quarterbacks, two elite defenses—what's not to like? Taking all factors into consideration, I'm going to make my boldest statement of all. Forget the Ice Bowl, Joe Namath's guarantee, or Eli Manning and David Tyree connecting for "The Catch." Super Bowl XLV will be the greatest game in NFL history. With hard hits, maybe some hair pulling and tons of frustration over a long national anthem and bad halftime show, I'm expecting both teams to show tremendous amounts of heart and determination. Basically, we should anticipate an all-out war on the field and maybe in the stands too! So fans, wave your Terrible Towels! Wear those cheese hats with pride! And for those of you taking these prop bets to heart, enjoy them and the game! Chances this happens: 100 percent
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